With California’s recent petition to make divorces illegal and higher marriage rates, knowing the signs of an unhealthy relationship is increasingly important.
At any stage of life, from dating to a serious relationship, it is healthiest and safest to be fully aware of personality types. Seeing someone without a conscience comes only after accepting that it is in fact possible for conscienceless people to exist – they are called sociopaths and comprise 4% of the United States’ population – and the majority are men, which may contribute to the phrase “starter husband.” Look closely at the partner’s behavior.
8 Features to Look for When Dating
“Sociopaths are infamous for their refusal to acknowledge responsibility for the decisions they make, or for the outcomes of their decisions,” states Martha Stout (Ph.D) and author of The Sociopath Next Door (Broadway Books, 2005). Over the years, the eight features below have been compiled. In addition to the negative personality traits below, sociopaths have a grandiose sense of self, are prone to boredom and take pride in “getting away with things.” If someone fits 3 or more of these traits, they are considered sociopathic:
- Frequent need for pity
- Inability to conform to social norms
- Manipulative / controlling
- Failure to plan ahead
- Aggressiveness (also passive aggressiveness)
- No concern for others' safety or their own
- Consistent irresponsibility
- Showing no guilt or remorse after harming someone or stealing
The Number One Trait to Look for – The Pity Party
Sociopaths are hungry for attention. Pity is a diversion for sociopaths; they expect their audience will be busy feeling sorry for them, put their guard down and be distracted from seeing the sociopath’s true actions. Stout describes “crocodile tears at will are a sociopathic trademark” and are more common at times when the sociopath gets very close to being confronted with the truth.
Who Sociopaths Target
Sociopaths target anyone they consider to be “prey,” who are those with strong characters. Since sociopaths have no conscience they are especially attracted to those of “extreme conscience” so that they can appear normal through their affiliation. Plus, their prey are so far on the other end of the moral spectrum that they aren’t fully aware that someone could be capable of having no conscience.
In Ann Colby's Some Do Care: Contemporary Lives of Moral Commitment (The Free Press, 1994), the three characteristics are certainty, positivity and unity of self and moral goals. They are focused on doing the “right” thing, express an uncommonly higher pleasure in their work and closely identify themselves with their morals.
LoveFraud.com, a website devoted to educating people on how to recognize sociopaths, lists these characteristics that sociopaths seek when selecting their prey: lonely, insecure, trusting, successful, aspiring, trustworthy, nurturing, committed.
Consider the Future
According to CBS News, “10.7% of people over age 15 are divorced,” which is about 20% of the population. Plus, the economy may be contributing toward more stress in relationships. Understanding the behavior of one’s partner could prevent tremendous emotional damage and increase the chances of a happy marriage.
Sociopaths use the people in their lives as a camouflage. One real-life case in Stout’s book describes a sociopathic husband who “lovelessly marries a decent woman who wants to have a family, and then steals some of the joy from his son’s childhood in an attempt to retain his own childlike dependency.” She also touches upon the fact that the only thing separating a sociopath from one who steals money to one who commits murder is opportunity.
There are several things to consider before getting married. Identifying whether a loved one is a sociopath is one of them. When dating, consult the other seven traits above if someone frequently seeks pity and places guilt on others. Staying educated, being aware of the above characteristics and maintaining distance from sociopaths prevents their opportunities, avoids long-term emotional damage and preserves safety.
Sources:
Associated Press/CBS News. “Divorce Rates in U.S. Rise Slightly” (accessed December 1, 2009).
LoveFraud.com. “Sizing Up the Mark: Sociopaths Never Hesitate to Exploit Vulnerability" (accessed December 1, 2009).
Sociopathicstyle.com. “The Sociopathic Style: Classic Sociopathic Traits” (accessed December 1, 2009).
Tara Lynne Brown - The author is a self-employed writer residing in Cary, North Carolina who virtually collaborates with businesses across the nation in ...
